What if there was a reality show based on the exploits of ESPN personalities? And what if we put them all in a house at the “Jersey Shore?” Let’s introduce you to the cast of “ESPN Jersey Shore”:
JayPoww Marriotti
JayPoww loves to start fights, especially with other girls. She talks smack with all the girls and threatens to go “Jerry Springer” on their asses. She never actually beats anyone up, but her mouth is always running and spewing nonsense.
Tony “The Interruption” Kornheiser
“The Interruption” is known to be the sweet talker of the group. He’s quite the wordsmith, coining such phrases as “NPBTP” or “No Pants Before The Pants,” when he wears no pants on the show, and “Sausage Casing,” which describes portly girls who wear tight-fitting clothes. Here’s an example,
JayPoww in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She’s got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt. And she’s got on her typically very, very tight shirt/boob scarf, it’s open in the front, with her silicone valley gushing out. So she looks like she’s got sausage casing wrapping around her upper body.”
Some times Tony’s mouth gets him into big trouble, but his grandfatherly charm always gets everyone to pardon The Interruption.
DJ Stevie P AKA Steve Phillips
DJ Stevie P spends at least an hour on his hair everyday and gobs more oil in his hair than BP does in the Gulf. He calls his hair style “A Blowout,” and has this to say about his scared porcupine haircut, “My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motocycleproof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bulletproof, I’m not willin’ to try that.” In Season 1, Stevie P is The Interruption’s wingman at the bar. The Interruption brings an attractive woman back to the house, but her unattractive friend, Brooke is also there. This forces Stevie P to jump on the “grenade” (an ugly girl) and entertain her, while The Interruption “smushes” (engage in sexual relations) on his sexy girl. The “land mine” (a chubby, ugly girl) becomes obsessed with Stevie P. One night Stevie P gets hammered drunk and submits to her advances. The next day Stevie P tells Brooke to hit the bricks and that nothing ever happened because he has a guidette girlfriend back home. Brooke was devastated and wanted revenge, so she sent a letter to to Stevie P’s girlfriend claiming that she had sex with him. To prove it to the girlfriend, Brooke gives distinct details as to what’s under Stevie P’s Cavaricci’s. Brooke explains that he has a birthmark in the shape of a Cadillac Escalade on his left inner thigh and his crotch smells of Drakkar. Stevie P is ridiculed for being with such a hippo for the rest of the show.
Suzy “Sweetheart” Kolber
Suzy Sweetheart is in love with Ronnie “Boomer” Berman, even though he’s always motorboating and grinding up on other girls. In Season 2, The Interruption boasts to everyone at the house that he personally knows Super Bowl Champion Joe Namath. The guys think he’s bluffing and demand that he put up or shut up. Suzy Kolber knows that The Interruption is lying so she tries to help him out of the mess by writing a letter to the New York Jets superstar, suggesting that The Interruption is dying from syphilis and wants to meet Broadway Joe as his last wish. Namath grants the wish and comes to the “ESPN Jersey Shore” house to party with the kids. Joe gets sloshed on six gin fizz cocktails and tries to kiss Suzy Sweetheart, but she declines his advances because she loves Boomer.
Ronnie “Boomer” Berman
Boomer is in a relationship with Suzy Sweetheart, but often finds himself flirting with his coworkers. Ronnie has a drinking problem and enjoys his own alcoholic concoctions called “Boom Boom Juice,” which causes him to get out of control with his anger.
Dana “Drunki” Jacobson
Drunki loves to drink, especially the Belvedere vodka, but her real passion is to find her very own “gorilla juice head,” (a very muscular man who’s biceps are enhanced from steroids). When she’s not blacking out and making a mockery of herself, she provides for some very entertaining television.
Billy “Guadagnino” Simmons
While he might not get as many girls as the other guys, he is by far the funniest. Billy is always defusing the tense confrontations in the house with his hilarious commentary. He has an ideology about the ESPN Jersey Shore house and it’s called the “JayPoww Theory.” The theory suggests that the shows are better when the stronger character isn’t the focal point of the episode. Simmons also believes in the “Drunki Zone,” when someone consistently exhibits outrageous or insane behavior to a point that no bizarre story about them would shock you.
Erin “The Cockblock” Andrews
Whenever the guys are “vibing” (sparking chemistry with the opposite sex) with females they pick up from the club, it always seems that “The Cockblock” barges in to purposely interfere with the guys’ plans of “pounding it out” (having sex). In Season 1, when Ronnie drills a hole in to the girls’ shower, everyone thinks it’s a harmless prank, except Erin Andrews. She has Ron arrested and gets attorneys involved and leaves the show in episode three. Erin will eventually come back in Season 2 after she has garnered more fame from the “Peeping Ron” lawsuit. She will also sign on to do the hit show, “Dancing With The Stars.” The show has Andrews parade around in what amounts to be her underwear. Ironically,everyone in America is undressing her with their eyes in the show, the same thing that Ron was arrested for, but she’s getting paid now, so it’s copacetic…
